Healing is a process. I find myself seeking, moving, grounding, and breathing my way through the layers, discovering more about letting go with each wave. Returning to what is, over and over again while balancing that against the hope of what will be.
My child will be strong and resilient. She will eat what she wants with no fear. She will thrive.
I've been filled with self-doubt and anger, and have felt my heart breaking in my chest at different times during this journey. These are all feelings that have helped me get closer to where I am now. I have more compassion and forgiveness for myself as a mother. I have more confidence in what my children are able to handle. I have more patience for the long haul.
Healing seems to possess its own energy, and moves at its own perfect pace. Since the healing belongs to my daughter, this is the toughest part to sit with. The timeline. It feels like molasses. I've been at it for over two years and I still want the fast forward button. Some people want a crystal ball. Whichever part of not having full control bothers you the most is what you will face when you look healing your child in the eyes.
I cannot control how long my child's healing will take, but I can build a vision of her in perfect health and share that with my family. Her healing is what it needs to be for her. That is my challenge to accept. It will be unstructured and messy, and will move where it needs to go in its own perfect timing.
As for me I will continue to seek what restores me, strengthens me, and connects me to something more powerful than myself. I will draw on inspiration and hold fast to hope as it guides us on our way.
“When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety; if I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.”
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